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Talking Heads

Putin:  Hello Trump. Now that you’re president I want you to know that we will never relinquish power over the province of Crimea or Eastern Ukraine. If you attempt to stop us, we will bomb you out of west and take the entire country. I’m just letting you know our intentions. You have no claim to Eastern Europe. Do we understand each other?

Trump: Who is this?

Putin: It’s Vladamir Putin, imbecile. Didn’t your secretary mention my name?

Trump: I thought she was talking about the carpet service. There’s a big stain in here where I dropped my margarita. Who is this again?

Putin: It’s Putin!

Trump: And what do you want, Mr Pooteen:

Putin: Ukraine. Are you listening to me? Is this connection working?

Trump: I heard there’s fighting over there or something. Why would anyone want that place? You must be some kind of lightweight.

Putin: Would you consider the awesome power of the entire Russian military a lightweight?

Trump: You have influence with the Russian military? Is that what you just said?

Putin: Yes, I did.

Trump: Do they eat a lot of meat in Russia?

Putin: What?!

Trump: Do they eat a lot meat in Russia? It’s not a hard question.

Putin: Well, I suppose we do, why?

Trump: What do say we sell them some good ol’ American Trump steaks? We could make millions!

Putin: Again with the steaks? Oh god. I need to talk to you about some serious state matters.

Trump: What’s more important than profit?  What’d you say your name was again?

Putin: I’ll call you back.

*Click*

*Dialing*

Putin: You did warn me, you American bastard.

Obama: Yep. Did you mention the Russian army?

Putin: I did.

Obama: He’ll have a Timesheets.com proposal on your desk by tomorrow morning.

Putin: Nope, he tried to sell me steaks.

Obama: Crud. Steaks again? You’ve got to be kidding me!

Putin: He never mentioned Timesheets.com. I knew he’d go with the steaks. Pay up.

Obama: I can’t believe he’s still hocking steaks. As if he was some kind of rancher or something! I guess I owe you 50 Rubles after all. Until next time…

Putin: Yes, until next time.

Today a prominent member of our intrepid cast, Senator Paul Ryan, came to the realization that the entire crop of 2016 presidential candidates is bat-shit crazy. Donald Trump reportedly bit the head off a Mexican immigrant during a rally in Tempe and spit it out into the eager hands of a waiting Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Ted Cruz issued a statement calling Trump a ‘stupid-pants’ for stealing his idea.

Senator Ryan’s next move was one of desperation….

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Our intrepid geniuses are hard at work devising a plan to keep us safe in this dangerous world. If it weren’t for these deep thinkers, we wouldn’t stand a chance. Let’s all celebrate the fact that we’re lucky enough to have such amazing people calling the shots.

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Today’s red meat loving right-wing base doesn’t mind hearing terrible things about Muslims, immigrants and anyone else they decided they don’t like. But when outrageous talk provokes outrageous action, , they won’t bother looking in the mirror or at their leaders for answers. Instead violence only provokes more violence and their leaders will be the ones clamoring to bring it to them.

Engagement has always been the way to quiet the angry rumblings of international animosity. Winning hearts and minds was never accomplished through violence. But most in the grassroots right-wing conservative movement don’t even know the difference between Sikhs and Muslims and often mistake them for one another. How can they be expected to vote for leaders who claim to understand the nuanced way to deal with a culturally different and population? They just want to vote for people who preach violence and intolerance.

The reason we have freedom of religious is not only to protect the religious group, but to prevent discord within the population in general. Antagonizing an entire group of people, especially religious fanatics, is a great way to provoke a response and we need to collectively come to that realization.

In the last decade, it seems that terror attacks just prior to elections have become all the rage. It’s almost becoming a regular expectation even when it doesn’t happen. As a population of intelligent and calm-minded people, we need to learn to expect such atrocities in today’s environment and not over-react to even the most terrible of provocations. If we can’t do that, then the bad guys win – the war mongers among us who would rather steal power through antagonistic methodologies and violence, and those who perpetrate the violence by provoking the reactions they set out to provoke.