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While the rest of the world gathers in Paris to discuss the future of planet Earth and the threats posed by climate change, the Republican Party and in particular this week, Ted Cruz,  stand alone on the world stage as the final vanguard of denial and stupidity – or is it just greed? One can only wonder about which is true.

Only the hard-nosed conservatives of the Republican Party could stand proudly before their constituents and once again deny the legitimate role of science in creating public policy, and the mountain of evidence supporting its conclusions. And only the paranoid Republican electorate would believe the dubious tales of vast left-wing conspiracies and greedy scientists (whose conclusions are ripe with falsehoods after being paid for with dirty money of the nefarious corporations that supposedly fund them).

Meanwhile Beijing issued its first-ever red alert for air quality as Republicans decry President Obama’s war on coal while they politic across the nation. And while 2015 appears to be the hottest year on record, Republicans cherry pick data on global temperatures and assure us the glaciers aren’t receding THAT quickly.

I feel like I’m living in Bizaro world where white is black, down is up, and all that jazz. It turns out by the way that Beijing does not even rank in the 20 most polluted cities by air quality.

And as long as I’m talking about Bizaro world, how can I not discuss the topic of guns. Year after year, mass shootings in the United States pile up like newspapers on the lawn of an abandoned house. The solution? More guns of course. Evidently we don’t already have enough on the streets even though it seems like any 15-year-olds in the nation that wants one can get three.

Out of all the carnage and mass shootings we’ve had in the United States over the last several years, the NRA and their staff congressmen are steadfastly against enacting any type of new gun laws to help stem the flow violence. This stands in sharp contrast, of course, to the panic and hysteria that seem to terrify Republican voters at the mere thought of running into a Muslim at the grocery store.

As far as the Republican voter is concerned, allowing repeated mass shootings in the US with no new gun restrictions is acceptable. But after a couple of terrorist attacks, it’s suddenly time to close the border to an entire religion and lock up or listen in on anyone who’s already here.

Do I have that right?

To top it all off, the right wing conservative’s ruled by the tea party are all excited about Donald Trump who’s lack of military experience, multinationalism and cultural awareness will almost certainly lead us into an expensive war with ISIS in Syria. “Let’s carpet bomb” proclaims Trump while a bellicose Ted Cruz implies we’re ready to drop nuclear weapons as he ponders aloud whether sand glows in the dark. These people are insane if they think they can bomb their way out of this problem. But then again, we already know they aren’t sane people.

This war they are promising will explode the debt and result in the deaths of many more thousands of Americans, but as long as it’s a Republican idea, I guess it’s financially and morally ok. Never mind fiscal conservatism, we have some ass to kick with those bombers. Seemed to work just fine for us in Vietnam where carpet bombing brought the North Vietnamese to their knees, right?

The problem with today’s liberals is that we are too busy living in the past. Right-wingers have a leg up in that respect as the party of the future. All the militant talk of purity and liberty and religious freedom is the path forward but liberals are simply too blind to see it. Instead, liberals are busy worried about global warming and international relations when they should be focused inward on our broken and deteriorating wreck of a country which, even as you read this, is surely in its final death throws.

So I have a solution for conservatives to help liberals get with the program. What liberals need is a change of vocabulary to help jossle our confused minds. The words we use have power, and unless we use powerful, accurate, and modern dialog, we liberals will remain behind the curve.

Let’s start with guns because lately there’s a lot of talk of guns in the media. The word ‘gun’ is out-dated. Let’s be honest. A gun conjures images of cold steel, but while accurate, it’s also 19th century and not really representative of today’s mindset. Accordingly, I propose we start calling guns ‘freedom sticks’. After all, what provides our freedom? Our freedom sticks!

Next, let’s talk about victims. First, we liberals need to remember that they are all about victimization. But what a terrible, old-school word! It does nothing to honor the fallen for their sacrifice. It’s weak, frankly, and desperately needs a retrofit from our aging vocabulary. From now on, I suggest conservatives refer to victims of gun violence as ‘the liberated’ to help our uninformed liberal hordes understand the value of freedom sticks.

Moving on to immigrants, the term ‘sovereignty deniers’ comes immediately to mind. Liberals will have a much easier time understanding conservative objections to immigrants if they are called something reasonably descriptive. Sovereignty deniers should be dealt with using freedoms sticks. See how it all comes together?

As a final example, I would suggest conservatives adopt them ‘CEO’ to replace the term ‘God’. We liberals have unwisely made the term God unwelcome in politics, schools, and elsewhere. This is terrible policy, but with all our childish bellyaching about the separation of church and state it has nevertheless come to pass. Still, conservatives know where the real power lies even if they aren’t allowed to say so. All they really need is a change in nomenclature to drive the point home, and who is the ultimate CEO? You guessed it!

All we really need are a few small changes to help our less intelligent neighbors finally see the brilliance of the conservative movement in all its glory. Let’s hope these changes catch on!