Putin: Hello Trump. Now that you’re president I want you to know that we will never relinquish power over the province of Crimea or Eastern Ukraine. If you attempt to stop us, we will bomb you out of west and take the entire country. I’m just letting you know our intentions. You have no claim to Eastern Europe. Do we understand each other?
Trump: Who is this?
Putin: It’s Vladamir Putin, imbecile. Didn’t your secretary mention my name?
Trump: I thought she was talking about the carpet service. There’s a big stain in here where I dropped my margarita. Who is this again?
Putin: It’s Putin!
Trump: And what do you want, Mr Pooteen:
Putin: Ukraine. Are you listening to me? Is this connection working?
Trump: I heard there’s fighting over there or something. Why would anyone want that place? You must be some kind of lightweight.
Putin: Would you consider the awesome power of the entire Russian military a lightweight?
Trump: You have influence with the Russian military? Is that what you just said?
Putin: Yes, I did.
Trump: Do they eat a lot of meat in Russia?
Trump: Do they eat a lot meat in Russia? It’s not a hard question.
Putin: Well, I suppose we do, why?
Trump: What do say we sell them some good ol’ American Trump steaks? We could make millions!
Putin: Again with the steaks? Oh god. I need to talk to you about some serious state matters.
Trump: What’s more important than profit? What’d you say your name was again?
Putin: I’ll call you back.
Putin: You did warn me, you American bastard.
Obama: Yep. Did you mention the Russian army?
Putin: I did.
Obama: He’ll have a Timesheets.com proposal on your desk by tomorrow morning.
Putin: Nope, he tried to sell me steaks.
Obama: Crud. Steaks again? You’ve got to be kidding me!
Putin: He never mentioned Timesheets.com. I knew he’d go with the steaks. Pay up.
Obama: I can’t believe he’s still hocking steaks. As if he was some kind of rancher or something! I guess I owe you 50 Rubles after all. Until next time…
Putin: Yes, until next time.